Guys to Avoid

You can’t write about the hooker spectrum and forget their corollary – the fu*k boy. The whole reason why some women have turned to this new spectrum is to avoid dealing with the f-boy (we’ll shorten it to f-boy to avoid the repeated f-bombs).

But before we get into that, something needs to be explained.

Back in the day, your grandfather’s day, finding a wife was not hard. All you had to do was walk down the block.   

In 1932, a sociologist named James Bossard studied thousands of marriage certificates in Philadelphia and found that 33% of all marriages occurred between folks who lived within a five-block radius from one another (see here).

A lot has changed since then.

Today, a young man can reach into his pocket and find himself beset with a seemingly infinite choice of potential mates. That abundance of choice (even if it is just an appearance of it) scrambles his decision making. You then couple that with no real economic hardship (at least the sort that his grandfather endured) and growing up in an “everyone gets a trophy” culture and you have a young man who is very different from his father or grandfather.

If you want proof of what this generational evolution looks like, then look no further than America’s most beloved actor Tom Hanks.

And then his son Chet Hanks – an aspiring social media star and rapper.

Chet Hanks and his ilk the “fu*k boys” have taken over. They are entitled and they leave you on read.

While they are all equally incapable of having emotional depth or getting married and are experts at wasting your time, they are not all the same.

To catch all the types at one gathering hole, then head to Surf Lodge in Montauk.

But before you go on your f-boy safari, you will need a guidebook of sorts – consider this it.

The Nebulous Job F-Boy

This is the most common species – sometimes they morph into a Shaman Bro if they do too many drugs or read too many books. He wears a tight V-neck t-shirt with a necklace that contains a meaningless object.  

He generally works in marketing for a tech start up or a new liquor company – something nebulous – that can take advantage of the fact that he has no discernible skills besides being vaguely attractive and having completed college.

He will invade a party or club as the door policies loosen. But don’t worry about him staying, he is on his phone the entire time permanently preoccupied about where to go next. The entirety of his being is so focused on getting into the next party that he doesn’t comprehend that he currently exists.

The good news is that he will not judge you on how you look in person. Within thirty seconds of meeting you, he will ask you for your Instagram handle and will judge you on your thirst traps – literally right in front of you while you are existing in real life.

After you go on a date with him and leave confused, don’t feel bad for yourself. Feel bad for him as he will one day wake up and wonder why he is childless and still only making $120k a year (At this point, he will try to join the cast of a reality TV show about the Hamptons.)

Woke F-Boy

Woke F-boy looks similar to Nebulous Job F-Boy but what really demarcates him though is not so much his physical appearance but his social media presence which he peppers with strong views on various social justice issues.

He has a lot of thoughts on the police despite having never met a cop or lived in a crime infested area and he would die if you found out that his dad was a senior natural resources banker at Goldman.

He’ll say things like, “white men like myself just need to listen and not talk.” That said, he never stops talking. He also hates the United States despite being in the upper .1% of it.

He will ghost you after you hook up. But you can’t help but reflexively forgive him because he strongly supports #MeToo.

The LAX Bro F-Boy

If there is one breed that you might enjoy a beer with then it is the LAX Bro iteration. You have to get over the fact that he was once accused of sexual assault in college and more recently of a hate crime while staying at his mom’s house in East Hampton.

This guy drinks to blackout and expresses open admiration for Trump being a “savage.” His dad runs a big private equity fund and rather than run away from that fact like Woke F-Boy, Lax Bro F-Boy embraces it. He avoids Trust Fund kid status by working in something like equity sales at a bank.

His life is simple. He works, he works out, and he sleeps with girls who just graduated from Syracuse and live in Murray Hill. And by sleeping, we mean giving them the best two minutes of their night before turning over and falling asleep as his phone rattles with text messages from a “Cynthia” and “Miami Eleven Girl.” 

Trust Fund F-Boy

There are a few versions of this guy. There is one that has eccentric hobbies like bee keeping and preserving the bow tie. There is another that will brag about his family’s place in Gstaad.   

The way to properly identify them is if you ask them what they do (after all tables at Surf Lodge are not cheap) and they then have an exceedingly long explanation that doesn’t make sense and ends with a discussion of what small airplanes are the best to learn how to fly in.

He might seem the dateable but you’ll spend most of your date wondering if he’s gay and then feel repulsed when you find out that he is not as he tries to grope you in the uber home.

The Promoter F-Boy

This guy makes maybe $50k a year but seems to live the lifestyle of someone making $10mm a year, having the best table and clad head to toe in Virgil Abloh’s Off White label (fashion is very important to him).  

He’ll maybe con you into a date and you might even have fun – but in the end he will take you back to his apartment in Bushwick where he lives with ten other people and you will both try to pretend that this is totally normal living situation for a thirty two year old male.

The King F-Boy

This is actually just one person. This is Leo DiCaprio.

Somehow DiCaprio has managed to pull off the feat of being a legendary f-boy without any general approbation. He has continuously dated girls under the age of 25 for the last twenty years and still goes out all the time.   

As he does this, however, DiCaprio is transitioning from looking like his Titanic self.

To his Russian doppelganger…

This is where he is right now in the transition.

If you do end up on a date with Leo DiCaprio and he does manage to get you into bed. Be prepared for something very strange to happen.

While he is having sex with you (number 1,989 in his life-long body count) he will put on noise canceling headphones and start listening to MGMT or sometimes a podcast. Don’t believe it? This story has been told by countless models and even recounted on a blog. 

And if there is any proof that being a lifelong f-boy doesn’t end particularly well. DiCaprio is that proof. So you can take solace in that after you leave his apartment with a gift bag of swag.